“My least favorite type of eavesdropping is 2 Beatles fans reciting Beatles trivia that they both already know to each other.'”

@Andy_Richter

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“The Joey Fatone or the Joey Fat One?”

@the_ironsheik, RT’d by @Andy_Richter

“Man, the dudes that come to your house when you push that Life Alert button have no sense of humor!”

@Andy_Richter

“In stores I ask r u hiring & they say yes & I say great , ’cause I’m looking for a fart-time job & I let one rip, my kids hate it & me”

@Andy_Richter

“The Doobie Brothers reunion is in 17 hours. Someone’s kidnapped Michael McDonald. Now Liam Neeson is…TAKEN: IT TO THE STREETS.”

@pattonoswalt, and if I had actual Twitter I would Retweet this or Favorite it or whatever Twitter people do when they TRULY love a tweet.

“The leading cause of death in 1926 was being hit by a spinning newspaper graphic.”

@meganamram

“‘Ats-a no moon!’ #italianstereotypeStarWars”

@pattonoswalt

“re-discovered this gem as i was scheduling some things for next month… http://instagram.com/p/PsfeoESy7q/ #parent trap”

@adampaulcooper

“That awkward moment where you begin a tweet with ‘That awkward moment’ & a benevolent God erases you from earth’s face with Fire.”

@robdelaney

“We believe that you are a full human being from the second that you are conceived until the second you are gay. #RNC2012”

@imchriskelly, RT’d by @robdelaney

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