“Meanwhile, in the Oval Office, Obama quietly places his signed Peace Sells… but Who’s Buying? LP in the garbage.”

@pattonoswalt

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“Jar Jar Abrams”

@meganamram

“Angelina Jolie just Googled ‘Justin Theroux,’ thus beginning Phase One.”

@mikedicenzo, RT’d by @nealbrennan

“If you’re a guy with a pierced anything, did you know you can just take that shit out & throw it in the garbage?”

@robdelaney

“Live every day as if inspirational mottos could change a thing.”

@seethingwithjoy, RT’d by @andy_richter

“We are so close to living in an age where someone will say, ‘Oh, no. Grandma Brittany died.'”

@blitznbeans, RT’d by @andy_richter

“Stevie Wonder just filed for divorce. He wanted to not see other people.”

@normmacdonald

“Kix are blind people’s Alphabits”

@meganamram

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